Guilt and Grief

[barno]

Lost my dad yesterday after several years of him battling illness. A few weeks ago palliative support were engaged and provided some services around the home but he deteriorated quickly. Things escalated this week and after an ambulance trip he ended up in the ED and then on to a palliative ward.

I know it’s early on and I’m pragmatic enough to know that the things I feel are still very raw and normal, but I am going through it. The guilt of the situation is wrecking me. The eagerness of the ED staff to get me to agree to send him to the palliative ward rather than treat was confronting and traumatic. Once there he was gone within 2 days.

It’s causing me a lot of pain right now which I’m sure i’ll learn to cope with. I had a conversaton with a family member who had a similar experience several years ago and still suffers from guilt but says it becomes manageable and sometimes is just something we have to carry and is normal for these circumstances.

I know things will get easier, I expected his passing to hurt but I didnt really see myself being so actively involved in the proceedings and for all of this guilt to come with it too. I’ve been good to my dad but in the last couple of months there’s been times were I’ve been short with him too, mostly from the stress of providing care and it’s all a lot to deal with right now. I can’t stop thinking of all of those times. I just hope in time I can replace these thoughts with all of the good times we had instead.

Topic

[VM-Selazni]

Hi @barno

I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. It’s a particular cruelty of life that even when we’re conscious of the end, it is still a shock and an upset that provokes such deep feelings of sadness, anger, and, yes, even guilt. You live with the idea, you go through your grieving, and you think, “I accept this. Dad’s death will come and it’ll hurt but I’ll be okay in time.” And then the death does come and it’s like a punch to the gut and it leaves us with this incredible sense of unfairness. “Surely I’ve done my grieving!” But it seems as if there is always more grieving in the early days. I’m really sorry that you are dealing with all of this while also feeling this sense of guilt that you wrote about. That’s a lot for a person to bear. As VM-Summer24 and VM-Fern have commented you’ve done nothing wrong in this situation and this guilt is, in fact, likely emerging due to the incredible love and connection you had with your dad. To add my two cents: we all do what we believe is best with the knowledge and experience that we have in that moment. And in that moment, as VM-Fern says, the best thing was to trust the medical professionals as you did. That understanding won’t take away those thoughts of “What if?” but I truly hope that you’re able to find peace with how things progressed with your dad. I sense that you have a great deal of self-awareness and insight into things but there’s a chasm between “knowing” something and “feeling” and accepting it. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to the Griefline listeners if you ever need to chat about things. You don’t deserve to carry around all these feelings in isolation.

Please let us know how you get on (if you feel capable!).
Take care, barno.

[VM-Summer24]

Hi @barno,

My heart goes out to you during these first raw days after losing your Dad. The sudden shift – from home care to the ED and the palliative ward – sounds really distressing.

I can especially relate to those ‘what if’ thoughts and feelings that you describe, and how painful that is. Please hold onto what your family member and Fern said: this heavy guilt is a painful, but powerful, testament to your deep love and commitment to your Dad.

You mentioned being short with him due to the stress of providing care. That feeling of failing to be perfect is a very human and common response to that kind of stress and exhaustion. It doesn’t erase the years you gave him. You genuinely did your best under very difficult circumstances.

I truly hope and trust that the good memories you have will start to replace these harsh thoughts in time. Thank you for reaching out here. We are here listening to you.

[VM-Fern]

Hi @barno, and many commiserations on the loss of your Dad, and thanks for posting about the rawness you feel. His passing came as a real shock because even though you’d been caring for him for quite a while, the end came quite suddenly: it was a real shock as you weren’t prepared for that. You also weren’t prepared to be so actively involved at the end, nor for all the guilt you have been feeling. This is quite normal and to be expected at this very sad time. The guilt you’re feeling comes from the caring, it is an indication of your best qualities. I think it’s fair to say that those who don’t care don’t feel much guilt at all. It sounds like you maybe didn’t have much choice about the move of your Dad to palliative care. The ED were certain that this was the best course, and they’re the experts, as are the palliative care team who received him. I’m not sure how you could have prevented that. But nevertheless the guilt is there and it will fade with time, as long as you show some compassion to yourself as well.

At the time you were only doing what seemed right in the circumstances for your Dad. At these times sometimes the guilt couldn’t be any stronger if you had deliberately done the wrong thing! And that’s not fair on you. You are a caring person and it would help if you gave yourself a bit of that caring and understanding as well. It’s hard enough grieving for a close family member without our minds adding to our suffering by beating us up for not doing enough, for not doing things differently, for not having the benefit of hindsight. But I am glad that you spoke about this. The more guilt is discussed the more understanding can come from it and hopefully a little relief from the grief. All the best barno.

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