Loss after suicide – GUILT and GRIEF

[blueskies]

I lost the love of my life 5 months ago. I am struggling to live with the what ifs – I didn’t understand suicide the way I now do. I feel like I missed signs. I feel like I didn’t treat certain things serious enough. A lot of people say the same things, it’s not my fault and there was nothing I could’ve done but I feel in my heart I could’ve done a lot more. If I knew what I know now I would’ve done it all so differently. Now they aren’t here anymore. I am a solo parent. They are my best friend and I took it all for granted. To grieve this way is something completely foreign to me. I do support groups, counseling regularly, I talk and talk daily to people about how I’m feeling and nothing seems to help me properly. I’m stuck in a place I don’t think I can ever get out of. To be in my 30s knowing I have to live without the love of my life is something I can’t accept and bear. I’m alone without them here. I am actively trying everything. Even though someone may resonate and understand what this somewhat feels like, it doesn’t change how I feel. And that’s what I’m struggling with. I don’t feel like this is ever going to get better. I’m completely shattered and broken. I don’t know what to do. I just want them to walk through the door one day and tell me this wasn’t real. I don’t want to try meds. I just want to try and be strong and carry on through this but I am completely lost and broken!

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[VM- VioletH]

Hi @blueskies,
Thankyou for sharing your experience here,it makes complete sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed, this kind of loss shakes the very ground beneath you, and changes your whole world in a moment. Your loss is still so recent, and people in your situation often find that they review their choices, feeling that they could have changed things somehow, the ‘what ifs’ you’re carrying are a natural part of your mind trying to make sense of something so deeply painful. One of the most difficult things about losing someone to suicide is all of the unanswered questions, not only about the person who died, but also of yourself and the self-doubt that creeps in, making you question yourself.
It sounds like you are doing all that you can to support yourself and your children, and though you might feel stuck at the moment, going to counselling, being here in the forum and being there for your children every day shows your strength and resilience. Right now, it may feel impossible to imagine things getting better but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it’s a reflection of the enormity of your loss, partner, best friend and father to your children.
Know that we are here for you, and that you can also call our helpline if you would just like to talk things through.
I have shared another resource below that might be helpful, they specialise in suicide bereavement and also have some great resources for children, which might be useful for you.
StandBy is accessible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, providing free face-to face and/or telephone support at a time and place that is best for each individual.
• Phone: 1300 727 247
• Website: <a href=”http://www.standbysupport.com.au/&#8221;
• To find support in your regions visit:

[VM-Fern]

Hi @blueskies. What you have bravely written will certainly resonate with anyone who has lost someone they are very close to to suicide. I have lost a family member in this way but I was not particularly close to them so I have no first hand knowledge of just how emotionally crippling it is. But many others in your position have told me of just how shattered, shocked, devastated, lonely, broken and guilty they feel. The guilt is horrible and normal and compounds all the suffering. Feeling that there is more that could have been done is completely normal. The bereaved look back and judge their actions then with the knowledge that they have now. But all those bereaved people could only make decisions with the knowledge they had then. Which is all any human can do. And for a suicide to occur most often means that the pain that was being experienced was stronger than the love they were able to receive. This is not the failure of the loving family and friends but it certainly feels that way. I hope that the feelings of guilt will start to loosen their grip soon. You are already suffering enough from the loss of your loved one without having to struggle with the thought that you should have somehow prevented it.

[VM_Billie20]

Hi @blueskies,
I’m really grateful you reached out and shared so openly here. Your words show just how deeply you loved your partner and how enormous this loss is for you. Losing someone to suicide brings shock, confusion, guilt, and so many unanswered questions and the way you’ve described feeling shattered, lost, and overwhelmed makes complete sense in the circumstances you’re facing.

You’re also carrying all of this while parenting on your own, holding both grief and responsibility at the same time. That is an enormous weight for one person, and the fact that you’re still reaching out, speaking with others, attending support groups and counselling these are all signs of strength, even if they don’t feel like progress right now.

You mentioned feeling “stuck in a place” you can’t get out of, and I want to gently acknowledge that early grief especially suicide grief can feel frozen, unreal, and unbearable. Feeling like it will never get better is a common part of navigating pain that is still so raw. But feeling hopeless is not the same as being hopeless. The way you continue to show up, seek connection, and tell your story shows that a part of you is still reaching for support, even if it feels far away.
Thank you so much for sharing, please know that you’re not alone here. This community is here for you.

You are also very welcome to call Griefline’s Helpline on 1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm, 7 days (AEDT)), if you would like to have a friendly chat.

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